Thursday, March 19, 2009

Week 35: Pregnancy Dreams...

"They say" women who are pregnant have strange dreams. Of course, this is a bit redundant to me, as my dreams usually are strange and vivid. However, I have noticed a slight change in my style of dreams, and some seem clearly pregnancy-related.

One straight forward pregnancy-related dream occurred in my early months, and was of my having a fuzzy little baby bird as my child. The bird was adorable, and I saw Mike holding the blueish chick. I was overwhelmed with love for him and the baby bird.

But since then, the difference I have noticed in my dreams, from the second trimester on, has been that they often involve running, hiding, being chased, attacking things, things trying to attack me, sci-fi freaky happenings...It is not out of the ordinary for me to have dreams like these, but it seems that these dreams are the majority of what I remember at this point, which is unusual. I don't go to bed necessarily feeling anxious, but I suppose my subconscious may be trying to work some things out.

So, here are three different dreams that I have had. The first I had in December (around 24 weeks or so), the second was in February, I believe (around 31 weeks maybe) and the last was just this week, 35 weeks.

Dream 1: The Sci-Fi/Fire/Bomb Dream
I am on a school bus traveling with a friend from childhood (either Tiffany and Elisabeth--I forget now). The bus is eerie and we are quiet. We pass by a car whose driver has green glowing eyes and he stares at me, which chills me to the bone. This stranger is from the past or the future and it is not a good thing.

A tall thin man, the "leader" on board, stands at the front of the bus and turns around to face us. He mentions how each one of us has an object taped under our seats. My friend and I pull ours out. It's a sort of plastic thing--maybe a cross between a syringe and an all-inclusive resort bracelet. My friend or the leader pulls a tab on the object (I used to remember who did this, but can't anymore), and this creates a moment of panic among the bus riders. But the "leader" is happy. He throws the object out the window and somehow this causes a great bomb to explode ahead of us. A huge fire is roaring now across most of the road. There is a bridge ahead of us and our bus driver steps on the gas in the hopes that we will make it onto the bridge and pass through before the flames engulf the whole area. We do make it across, but just in time, and I look back to see all the destruction behind us. I am glad we are safe on the other side, but I am devastated at the chaos and death I see.

I wake up.

Dream 2: The Falling/Dying Dream
Mike and I are in our car driving along a narrow road which winds around a mountain cliff. There is a steep drop-off to our right down a long wide canyon. Mike is driving. All is fine until we realize we are going in the wrong direction. Since the road is narrow enough for only one car there is no way he can turn around on the road. He says he will back the car up. I do not want him to do this. The road is too narrow and curvy and we could fall off the road into the canyon. I want to continue straight until we are off the cliff, then turn around somewhere else later, even if it does mean we will waste more time. He says he knows what he's doing and even though I plead with him not to do it, he starts backing up the car.

I decide I will close my eyes, trust him, and not watch as I will only make him and me more anxious by turning around. Mike does a great job and we are staying on the road. Then he comes to a lookout point; the road juts out allowing for a space where he could back the car into and turn around, doing a 3-point turn. We are both so happy to find this spot!

Mike starts to back the car up and either he gives the car too much gas or the lookout point slopes downward, because before we know it, the car is slipping off the road and we are falling backwards, in the air, down the long canyon.

I instantly know three things: we are going to die, there is nothing we can do about it at this point, and that Mike must feel horrible. He is, understandably, upset--crying and feeling guilty. I hold his hand and say, "It doesn't matter anymore. I love you. I'm not mad at you and you didn't do anything wrong."

And while I am scared, I feel a sense of calmness, as I have instantly (I have only an instant after all!) resigned myself to my outcome. I then keep saying over and over, "I love you" to Mike and "God, forgive us" (not of falling, but I guess of all our sins since we were about to die). I am glad to be dying with Mike, and I just want him to feel better. The physical sensation of gravity pulling me down so quickly, backwards, with no resistance, is extremely real and vivid.

I wake up before we hit the bottom.

Dream 3: The Fighting a Powerful Creature Dream

I am outside in the woods, being chased by something. I am trying to hide but also trying to make my way somewhere safe. I step out from behind a tree and start walking cautiously. I then see a lioness walking toward me. She doesn't see me at first, so I stand still and quiet. I think I have a 50/50 chance of her not seeing me at all, so I am somewhat hopeful. But then she walks a bit closer and sees me. I try to act casual and start to walk calmly in the opposite direction, thinking that if she doesn't know I'm scared, she won't care about me. It seems to be working as she continues walking away from me.

As I glance at her again, even though I am almost in the clear, I am suddenly struck with terror as I imagine her attacking me. As if on cue, she turns around, looks at me again and starts running toward me. Instantly (again, I only have an instant!), my mind plays out a few options: I can run, but I know she's faster than I; I can climb up a tree, but I know she can climb up a tree better than I also; I can fight, but how could I beat a lioness; I can do nothing and hope she won't kill me.

I decide to fight. I pick up a stick next to me from the ground. It is not even a foot long, but it is going to be my weapon. The lioness charges at me and jumps up so her body now seems more like a bear or a human. I jab the stick into her chest and am surprised it actually pierces her. Her body is heavy and I use all my strength. I even feel the warmth from her body against my hand as the stick disappears into her flesh. I pull the stick out quickly and she jumps at me a few more times. Each time, I must jab the stick into her chest again.

I wake up.

So...these are a few of my pregnancy do they mean?

Interpretations anyone?


Anonymous said...

That which does not kill us???

Anonymous said...

I love this blog! It makes me wish I were about to be a dad (sort of). Crazy dreams! One thought: Plunging to your death and repenting of your sins sounds like facing the anxiety of death and sin (guilt). If you accept the whole Jungian thing on "union of opposite", I'd imagine as you are creating life and preparing to bring it forth into the world, some part of you is confronting death and finitude. In each of your dreams it sounds like you are searching for courage, which I think childbirth and parenting requires a lot of. The source of that courage - being unconditionally loved and accepted by God. I'd imagine as you create life, you will also feel very close (even united) with its source. A reason to take courage!
-- Rob C.

Tara M said...

Thanks, Bork and Rob! Bork--yeah, perhaps that is in there somewhere. Definitely a "dying" sort of theme anyway!

Rob--that is an interesting interpretation. Life and death are so closely entwined--and I don't think I was even thinking about how the dream may have to do, literally, with death (even though that is what they were all sort of about).

Recently, my professor and adviser from Carnegie Mellon died. He was a man I spent so much time with for 2 solid years (very small classes--sometimes just of me and him, or me and 1 or 2 other people and him), in classes, at parties, at functions, plays...he was a huge presence in my life and his death is still something I haven't grasped. While the first two dreams were before he passed away, I believe the second was after, so that may even have had something to do with it. I'm not sure.

Anyway, thanks for checking out the blog and for your support and encouragement!

Mike said...

Well, clearly, you have no confidence in my ability to drive. But interestingly enough, you're always facing and dealing with huge calamities. I like Rob's explanation. Life completely changes when you have someone else, who's somewhat helpless, to care fore and protect. Your motherly instinct is preparing you to be a lioness yourself, no matter what the odds.

Anonymous said...

love to be behind you rubbing your tits, playing with the nice hard nipples, a hand unbuttons and unzips your jeans and slides in to find your panties are getting wet, I start rubbing your p---y through them and you moan and groan, I feel your clit getting nice and hard so I gently rub it too, you starting panting and saying" mmmmmm f--k yes rub my clit my p---y feels so wet, f--k me with your fingers, f--k I want you to put your hard c--k in my p--y so bad " my hand goes in your panties and you are dripping c--t juice mmmmmmmmm I would LOVE to f--k you, my fingers go in your c--t and you whince and squeal " f--k yes thats it get your fingers nice n deep f--k my p---y good, rub my clit, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm f--k yes I want you to f--k me in the arse, your knickers come off, my c--k goes in your bum crack and push's until your tight sphincter gives with a pop, mmmmmmmmmmmm yes your arse feels real good, you squeal and moan as it goes in, I reach around to play with your hard clit " mmmmmmmmm yes f--k me, come on harder, faster, f--k my arse real good, I want your c--k deep in me , I wish I could take it in my c--t , you are so wet my fingers are f-----g you real good, we get a rythym going as you push back to meet my thrusts so you get all my c--k buried in your arse , " mm f--k, oh yes come on harder in my arse f--k me, fill me with that juice, I blow my load and watch it drip from your arse, mmmmmmmmmmmm thanks mum you were a real good f--k