Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Pregnancy Week 19: People are noticing my pregnancy belly...

Yes, now it's really official. From my friends to my mother-in-law, people think I look pregnant. In the last week or two, it seems I've hit an onslaught of people saying, "Wow! You really are showing!"

I am also starting to wear tightly fit sweaters, which helps show off my "fashionable bump." (One of my pregnant friends pointed out that it is less noticeable in my pictures online here, since I'm not wearing a fitted top)

In fact, this week, I have my first experience with an acquaintance thinking I look pregnant.

So this guy who sees me a few times a week at the yoga studio/juice bar starts up a conversation seeing a pamphlet on hypo-birthing. He makes a joke about it and I say, "Yeah, I know someone who is doing that right now."

He suddenly feels bad he's made fun of it, and I quickly put him at ease. "Oh, I don't care. I'm not doing it, but it's working for her." Then I add, "I'm 4 1/2 months pregnant myself."

And as I say this, he sort of looks at me with this interested but stoic expression. I'm thinking, poor cute guy. He thinks he's offended me. But I am a little surprised by his seemingly reserved response (he's usually very personable).

Then he breaks into a smile and explains. I guess he's just been taking it in, because he says, "I thought you were pregnant! But I didn't want to say anything, just in case. But I thought you were pregnant!"

"Really? You're the first person who's thought that just from seeing me! Or at least who's told me!"

"Well, it's only because you're so tiny normally, so it's easier to see. Congratulations!"

Not only am I looking pregnant, but I also feel the baby moving every day, reminding me that there really is a living being inside of me. I look pregnant, and I might be actually starting to feel pregnant. I was taking a shower last night and tried to suck in my stomach. Seeing how I could no longer do that like I used to made me grin with the excitement of Christmas. There's a bell pepper-sized baby in there! I always know that I am pregnant, but it's in these small moments, when it truly hits me, for a brief second--the life-changing aspect of this experience, this event. And it always sends my stomach fluttering, my mouth gaping, and my eyes wide.

Of course, there are still times when my whole being cannot wrap itself around the intensity of being pregnant. It is just so huge, so vast, and for now, somewhat muted, in my control. There is no crying or giggling baby, I can go where I please when I please, I can still simply take care of myself and Mike. Yes, I take prenatal vitamins for the baby, I don't drink for the baby, we sing to the baby (we are adding new songs to our repertoire each week), we read to the baby, talk to the baby. But these are still our own self-started actions. We are not reacting or responding to a live being we can see or hear in front of us. And, like the idea of death, I don't know if I can truly understand the concept of creating life. It happens, I am part of it, I understand it on a human realistic level (i.e. I am not out of touch with reality, thinking life and death don't happen), but it amazes me beyond my human comprehension.

Again, I am struck with how lucky I am to experience this. And I don't think I do need to comprehend it completely, because, all science aside, it is truly a little miracle. And that's what miracles are--the incomprehensible and amazing. And that's what our baby is to us...


Mike said...

Here, here. Well said, Tara. It's an incredible experience we're incredibly lucky to be...experiencing. Huge thanks to Kat and Bobby, Dan and Divya, this weekend for helping us 'feel' it more this weekend!

Kat said...

Mike, thanks for the shout out! I am enjoying experiencing pregnancy through your eyes. Since I never kept a journal, it's fun to "re-live" it by reading yours! It is such an amazing, thrilling, miraculous experience...why would anyone want to forget that?!?! You guys are going to do great :)